Thursday, February 22, 2007

my simulated reality tv life: episode twenty

Twenty! Yes, 20! Tonight's upcoming episode makes twenty episodes of My Simulated Reality TV Life, the most popular simulated reality series in the land. Miss the last episode? Click here for a rerun. Not sure what we're talking about? Click here, to start at the very beginning or look on the left sidebar of this page for links to all of the old episodes. Now hurry and round up twenty of your closest friends because Episode Twenty begins now!

On an unseasonably warm February afternoon, friend simulated Penny, wife Bridgette, and (simulated) yours truly, simulated Felix, are out enjoying the swings and apparently talking shop about God's (blue?) Earth.

Episode Twenty
A few, bulletproof facts about kids. One, they'll cost you a lot of money. Two, they often have weird, smelly friends. And three, they're guaranteed to grow up quickly. Remember, Felicia, simulated Felix's and Bridgette's lovechild? (Haha, "lovechild." I love that word). The last time we saw her, she was a rather uninteresting toddler, and we were fast on our way to killing her off and writing her out of the script. Well, that was then because just look at her now:

Felicia's growing up and, as she does, she's starting to look more and more like simulated Felix, don't you think? Also, from the picture above, it appears as if Felicia has escaped inheriting Bridgette's debilitating right hand disability. Simulated genetics is truly a fascinating thing.

What is she, like eight years old all of a sudden? Absolutely amazing.

Unfortunately, the eight-year old Felicia isn't without her issues. Although she's been blessed with simulated Felix's good looks, she doesn't seem to have inherited Bridgette's smarts, as she's a "C" student at best. In addition, because she's an only child, will this mean she's going to have a difficult time making friends in school? Finally, Felicia seems to spend a lot of time playing with her teddy bear ... which is dangerous because we all know what he's like.

How will Felicia, simulated Felix and Bridgette cope? Stay tuned for the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life and find out!

Blowing soap bubbles is a good idea and an integral part of growing up. However, drinking liquid soap is, surely, a less good idea because ...

... liquid soap tastes terrible! Oh, Felicia. We all fear that you're not the brightest kid in the world.

At the flower shop, Bridgette lays down the law on her superstar salesperson, simulated -c: "For the last time, the rule is ... no beer on the job before 10am!"

Simulated -c is, without a doubt, one talented artist. As you can see, she specializes in abstract paintings of fine porcelain.

Felicia's teddy bear to Bridgette: "Thanks for asking. Mine was all jelly and a whirlwind of prophylactics. How was your Valentine's Day?"

Monday, February 19, 2007

a message from starfish and waffles HQ

To maximize your viewing experience, all of the photos and pictures posted here on starfish and waffles are hosted over on flickr. In the last few days, flickr has been having some rather serious issues with their servers, which have caused other people's photos to display on this blog. Unfortunately, some of the displayed photos have been of the inappropriate variety.

I sincerely apologize if you've logged in and encountered any of these photos. Right now, short of deleting this blog, there's not much I can do until flickr fixes things. Your patience is appreciated while all of the bugs are being worked out.


01:58, 22.February.2007 Update: flickr now assures us everything is back to normal. For those who are interested, here's what happened according to the flickr blog.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

off day off

I have the day off from work, which is nice because things at the office have been quite stressful the last few weeks. Problem is, somewhere along the way, I think I've forgotten how to relax. Somebody help ... Code Blue, Code Blue! I need 10 cc's of fun, excitement and possibly travel, stat!

Stop. Sit. Ponder. You gotta love Reykjavík, Iceland, where park benches are clearly marked by highly informative stop signs. (2006). We need more of this kind of thing in North America.

See? I wasn't kidding. (2006).

Strolling the streets of Malmö, Sweden, with camera in hand. (2006). I'm getting the itch to travel again. If you could hop on a plane and go anywhere, where would you go?

Saturday, February 03, 2007

wild animal kingdom: the real groundhog day

Call me odd. Call me crazy. Call me a (very) good-looking genius. But growing up, Groundhog Day, February 2, was probably my favourite holiday. As a kid who loved summer, I guess there was just something inherently appealing about a day where a cute, furry animal supposedly had the power to proclaim the end of hated winter.

The famous editor of felix's daily starfish and waffles declares February 3 the real Groundhog Day, where predictions of an early spring are determined by wise, dependable bears ... not dull, unreliable groundhogs.

Sadly, scores of unreliable forecasts from prognosticating rodents wore down my enthusiasm for Groundhog Day over the years. Far too often after a promising February 2, the snows of winter would extend into March, April ... and, sometimes, May ... or even June ...

Some held the northern, Canadian latitudes responsible. Others, the Arctic winds or La Niña. Secretly, I always blamed the groundhog.

So when yesterday came and went, I have to admit I paid no attention to any TV celebrity groundhogs and their associated reactions to shadows. Heartbreaking, maybe, but I no longer cared.

Chirping birds outside my bedroom window woke me up early this February 3 and, for a brief moment, I thought it could be spring. While I tiptoed toward the kitchen for some breakfast, I noticed that the editor, a Canadian Brown bear, was also waking up.

As he emerged from his den beneath the canopy of my living room ficus and pine, he rubbed his eyes with both paws, let out a small yawn, and stepped into the bright, morning sunlight, casting a long, dark shadow. I gasped, fearing that the shadow would spook the editor back into his den, thereby condemning us all for six more weeks of winter.

But, fortunately, the editor is no cowardly groundhog. He nonchalantly ignored his shadow, sniffed the nearest flower, and poured himself a big bowl of Sugar Crisp. After watching all of this, I not only thought that it could be spring, I knew that it was spring. And I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

So there you have it folks, on this February 3 - the new, real Groundhog Day - we here at starfish and waffles are declaring it spring. Remember, you heard it here first.