We've let the anticpation build for a month now, and it's finally time for the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life! Did you miss the last episode? Click here for a rerun. Never seen the show before? Click here to start at Episode One or look down the left sidebar of the main page of starfish and waffles to find links to all of the old hilarious episodes. Now sit back and buckle up, because tonight's exciting episode begins ... now!
Sometimes simulated Felix likes to dishwash in the nude. However, as you know, My Simulated Reality TV Life is a family show, so the best we can do is this shot of him suds-ing it up in his turquoise silk boxers. Booty-dawg-asstastic!
Many of the major paths we end up following in our real lives can be attributed to key decision points rooted in the past. Yet, upon reflection, it's funny just how many of these life-changing decisions seemed absolutely trivial at the time, as if we didn't even know we were making them. And wouldn't you know it, this axiom also holds true in my simulated life.
I like to call it: "The Rock Paper Scissors Match That Shocked The Simulated World" (or, TRPSMTSTSW, for short). The adversaries in the aforementioned said rock paper scissors match? The sexy simulated me and my dangerously-smart-and-beautiful simulated wife, Bridgette. The stakes? The loser buys the winner anything he or she wants.
Luckily for the simulated me, I know I can't lose ... because nothing - EVER - beats rock. So, needless to say, I'm feeling pretty smug right before we begin. Ok, here we go ... one, two, three ... and the simulated me, without a second thought, chooses rock! And, the smiling Bridgette chooses ... paper!
Yes!! I win! No, wait ... paper beats rock ... oh no, I've lost! Bridgette celebrates - and a little too much, if you ask me. I'm left frowning in puzzlement. How did I lose? Nothing ever beats rock, right?
"All right, Bridgette, you win. What do you want?"
"I want $10,000 so I can buy a store, start my own flower shop, and quit my job as a professional soccer player!!"
Oh. My. God.
Only one episode after reaching the echelons of the upper middle class with our plush new pool, I have a feeling we're going to be poor once more.
Wife Bridgette and simulated Felix in the rock paper scissors match of the century. "Good old rock ... nothing beats that!" Poor, predictable, simulated Felix - always chooses rock. As you can see, the cunning Bridgette is already way ahead of him, outfoxing him with paper.
Bridgette wins! And just why is Bridgette so happy and simulated Felix so not? Because Bridgette's win was worth an estimated $10,000! With the proceeds, Bridgette buys a flower shop, and our simulated lives are never the same again.
In no time at all, Bridgette uses her winnings to buy a tiny flower shop on the other side of town. It's actually quite a cute little place with a lot of potential. Bridgette's just downright giddy. The simulated me, however, seems a little worried. C'mon, simulated Felix, lighten up! Money's for spending, right? Besides, it'll probably be fun being entrepreneurs.
My concerns are quickly assuaged when I see how many customers stream into the store as soon as Bridgette opens for business. I help out by stocking the shelves. Bridgette works from behind the cash register. Customer after customer rings up purchases. Phew! This venture looks like it might be profitable but it's going to be a lot of hard work. Before long, it becomes apparent that we may need to hire some help.
In typical fashion, Bridgette wastes no time. Immediately, she spots a girl in the store with the kind of California cool image she wants her flower shop to portray.
"Hey you, in the pink looking at the sunflowers, have you considered your career opportunities with Bridgette's Flower Shop?"
Simulated -c turns around.
"Are you talking to me?"
And the rest is history. (-c, I'll have you know that the simulated you accepted a job at Bridgette's simulated flower shop for a paltry $15 an hour).
Ohhhh, this is going to be fun. What adventures are in store for the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life? Make sure you tune in to find out!
Bridgette tries to figure out the cash register as she rings in the very first customer in her beautiful little flower shop.
Ooof! Oops, wrong button ... Bridgette takes one right in the gut! Good thing she's a former pro soccer player and has washboard-like abs of steel.
Bridgette interviews simulated -c for a position in the flower shop. Apparently, as part of the standard interview process, Bridgette likes to tell some kind of Halloween ghost story. Simulated -c's reaction suggests it was a good Halloween ghost story.
Bridgette hires simulated -c. Sold! For $15 an hour.
My Simulated Reality TV Life's resident novellist, simulated Penny, has been very busy with her graduate studies lately. If you ever wondered what kind of books they study in the English departments of those Ivy League schools neither me nor you could ever get into, now you know ... Harlequin romances! Wow, I never would have guessed. Penny, I just lost a little bit of respect for you.
Felicia's teddy bear explains to simulated Felix: "Donald Trump kept going on about how much money he made in the stock market - and how much money I didn't have. He was obnoxious and made me feel bad. So I slept with his wife."