Tuesday, August 22, 2006

the last four-dimensional bloom of summer

If you've logged in at any point in the last few weeks, you probably noticed that things around the offices of starfish and waffles have been pretty quiet. Chalk it up to the late summer doldrums or a wicked bend in the space-time continuum but, in any event, we're back now. And we're glad you're still here with us.

Take time to enjoy the last bloom of summer before it inevitably fades into fall. In the picture above, the famous editor of felix's daily starfish and waffles shows you how.

May 2006. Flying at 37,000 feet over Greenland, en route to Boston from Reykjavik. Seated next to me in the coveted window seat is Ladawn, the blonde-haired / steely-blue-eyed / warm-hearted / outgoing head nurse of the massive NATO air force base at Keflavik, Iceland. I envision scenes from M*A*S*H, with scores of war wounded. No, Ladawn says - it's basketball injuries - I'd ban basketball, she says. This girl is a year younger than me but even at 37,000 feet, she's at least a summer wiser.

As the shadows grow longer and the days grow shorter, somewhere in this August the answer lies. Finding and/or believing it, however, requires a reach of sorts, a leap of faith. Maybe it depends on how you view things. Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe things change in September.

I daydreamed that there were reporters asking me questions, and I only replied with two answers, more or less. Specifically: "I'm human. But I'm a good one." I woke up in a daze, which is weird, because I was never asleep to begin with.

They explained it to me this way - of course time moves faster as you get older. When you're only a year old, the summer that's just passed you by comprised 25% of the life you've already lived or, relatively-speaking, a really long time. When you're 28 years old, the summer that's just come and gone ... well, that's less than 1%.

Time. Like the last bloom of summer, it feels like I'm running out of it.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

my simulated reality tv life: the clip show

As you may have already figured out, the cast and crew of My Simulated Reality TV Life - quite possibly the most critically-acclaimed simulated reality series of all-time - is on summer holidays, probably lying in the sun at some Caribbean beach, sipping piña coladas. But instead of making you sit and watch reruns like all of the other shows in prime time, we here at starfish and waffles are going to do you one better and run a clip show, complete with new scenes you've never seen before! Now, if you're one of the few people out there who have yet to see an episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life, you're pathetic and need to get a life ... but luckily, it's not too late for you so click here and start at Episode One! For everyone else, let's get to the clips!

In the beginning ... the simulated me, living the unglamorous simulated life. Plunge, simulated Felix, plunge!

But then Bridgette comes along ...

... and she decides to marry simulated Felix after less than 20 minutes of courtship! Now that's love at first sight, people.

Naturally, love at first sight leads to much snuggling, kissing, and tons of hot, dirty sex (woohoo!) ... which, inevitably, creates ...

A new baby! Enter scene right: little Felicia ...

... who grows up faster than our writers can properly write her into the script. But here, we have a great shot of the toddler playing in the toilet!

Meanwhile, simulated Felix and Bridgette adjust to life in suburbia and its occassional boredom ... but that's ok ... because the happy couple know how to make their own fun!

Happily, there are plenty of friends in the neighbourhood - like simulated Penny. Refer to the scene above: what are simulated Penny and simulated Felix doing? You tell me!

And even better, there are always zany new characters to meet. For instance, who is this mysterious stranger in the scene above? She could be a Lakers fan. She could be a famous world traveller. She might even contemplate topping off her lemon bars with salsa and guacamole. But one thing is for sure - she's hot! Make sure you stay tuned for future episodes of My Simulated Reality TV Life and find out why she has a toilet on her front lawn!

Finally, a few closing thoughts expressed by Felicia's outspoken teddy bear to simulated Felix and Bridgette: "I make beautiful, beautiful music for a living. Well, sort of. Replace the word 'beautiful' with 'sweet' and the word 'music' with 'love.' Oh, baby!"