May is sweeps month, which means My Simulated Reality TV Life - everyone's favourite simulated reality series - is pulling out all of the stops to grab the attention of viewers just like you! And baby, we won't disappoint because, in a coup of gigantic proportions ... we have guest star simulated Penny from the Long Division, one of the best blogs this side of Bridgette's grotesquely-webbed right hand! Miss the last episode? Click here for a rerun. Completely clueless about what we're talking about? Click here to start at the very beginning. Now don't go away because tonight's much-anticipated episode begins now!
Simulated Felix and wife Bridgette, at it again. Note Bridgette's strategically-placed webbed right hand. Many viewers have demanded more simulated Felix-and-Bridgette love scenes, so there you go. You perv.
Simulated parenting is full of ups and downs. For every first step there's a first fall. For every first word, there's, um ... umm ... a word that's the complete and utter polar opposite of the kid's first word. Yeah, that'll do. And so forth.
Which segues nicely into other pleasantries such as potty-training, also known in some circles as poop camp. (Not my circle, however, but that's besides the point). Anyway, where were we? Right, poop camp. Well, little Felicia's been alive for about seven episodes now, and it's about time she learned the ways of the porcelain throne because come on, the simulated me and wife Bridgette can't realistically be expected to diaper her wee ass forever.
So the next time nature calls, onto the red training potty goes Felicia. It's not long after Felicia starts her, um, business, the simulated me runs out of the house screaming. Does that make me the simulated me a coward? Probably, yes. Does it make the simulated me a bad parent? Also yes. But it's ok because I'm hot. And, oh yeah, also because Bridgette - bless her simulated heart - decides to stick it out and finish "supervising" Felicia. That Bridgette is a real trooper - no wonder the simulated me loves her so much.
Bridgette potty-trains little Felicia. Wait a second ... why does Bridgette think of simulated Felix when she potty-trains Felicia?
How can someone so small create THAT? Haha, I love the look on Bridgette's face while Felicia does her, um, business.
Luckily, outside, it's a beautiful evening. Since it would be suicide to enter the realm of noxious fumes that have permeated through my house, it's a good opportunity for the me to introduce myself to the new neighbour that's recently moved into the big house around the corner. The new neighbour must be rich. Rich like a dentist!
** Knock, knock **
A tall, blonde-ish girl with great bangs answers the door.
"Hi, I'm simulated Felix. I'd like to welcome you to the neighbourhood."
"Nice to meet you, I'm simulated Penny. Your black-framed glasses are some kind of bullshit, you know that? Here, why don't you come in for a beer."
I can tell already, this is the start of a beautiful simulated friendship.
Introducing simulated Penny ... Texas charm with Manhattan bangs. A writer by trade, here she is working on her new novel. Simulated Penny's secret for winning a Pulitzer: typing with her knuckles. That's "k-nuckles," by the way, with a non-silent "K," which is the way God intended it to be pronounced.
Simulated Penny to simulated Felix: "There nothing I love more than a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning." As you might have expected, simulated Penny and simulated Felix have become instant friends.
So what's in store for the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life? Will Felicia's potty-training adventures be met with success or failure? Will starfish and waffles come up with the millions of simulated dollars necessary to get simulated Penny to appear in another half-assed episode? Make sure you tune in and find out!
Felicia's teddy bear and Bridgette, in an apparent argument over mammalian anatomy: "I don't believe you!! What do you mean there's no bone in there? Then explain to me, how does it get so hard?"