March. Generally a windy, dreary, forgettable month, where you spend half your time waiting for winter to end and the other half worrying about would-be Brutuses (Bruti?) daggering you in the back. Quite frankly, you're better off staying at home and watching simulated reality TV. Which is - lucky coincidence - where we come in. Yes, folks, your wait is almost over: it's time for an all-new episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life! New to the series? Click here to start at the very first show. Miss the last episode? Rerun, available here. March, Smarch, Schmarch ... just defy whatever it is, sit back and enjoy the spectacle!
Wife Bridgette is sporting a sassy new hairdo - the mysterious, mesmerizing ponytail - so simulated Felix goes in for a closer look. Heehee, simulated Felix ... you cheeky bugger, you.
It's not really a glamorous life, but it is nice to come home to a loving wife and baby. Call it beauty in simplicity. But even with simplicity, there's still the occasional surprise. Like Bridgette's new hairstyle. Looks hot! So the simulated me goes in for a closer inspection. Mmmm, ponytail. Looks hot! The simulated me gives Bridgette a hug. Simulated me is happy. Bridgette is happy. Isn't it nice that it doesn't take much for simulated me and Bridgette to be happy? Like peas in a pod, we are. Wow, I can't believe I just wrote that.
In my simulated world, it's a lazy Sunday afternoon. Baby Felicia is taking a nap. The housework is all done. The simulated me and Bridgette are all alone. Obviously, this is a prime opportunity for us to ... disco? Apparently so. On goes the stereo and out come the dance moves ... hours and hours of dance moves, as measured in simulated time. Eventually, the music stops. We stare at each other for a few mintues. Bridgette smiles, then heads outside to pull some weeds in the garden. The simulated me scratches his head. You loser! You didn't even try to score!
Disco! Simulated Felix and Bridgette busta move on the living room dancefloor.
That night, Bridgette agrees to look after Felicia while the simulated me and my buddy, Malik, head into town to get a beer. There sure are some freaky looking types and shady characters in this simulated town. For a moment, I get kind of worried about raising a little one in this crazy simulated world we live in. But only for a moment. Because then the beer kicks in. Nothing like drowning your worries with a couple dozen bottles of quality import beer!
Simulated Felix and buddy Malik discuss the March weather. Meanwhile, a weird, uni-browed stranger looks on. Is the uni-browed stranger gay or racist? You decide!!
The next morning, the simulated me appears to wake up with a bit of hangover as evidenced by the foggy way I try to drag my ass out of bed. Bridgette's already up and, presumably, with Felicia. Yep, I think I'm going to have to use up one of my sick days. I pick up the phone and get the boss on the line.
"Owwwww ... my ovaries are killing me! Sorry, I won't be in today."
You'd think that an army drill sergeant wouldn't have bought that excuse, but hey, here we are - worked like a charm! Pure genius, simulated Felix, pure genius! I throw myself onto the couch and turn on the TV. Ahhh, nothing like daytime TV when you're hungover. Now where did I put my beer?
Don't forget to tune in to the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life!
There's just too much violence on daytime TV these days. Simulated Felix recoils in horror as the quiet serenity of Sesame Street is shattered when "Silent E" finally cracks under the pressure and guns down all of the other letters.
An important parenting lesson - try to refrain from playing with your kid too actively right after her 9am feeding. Otherwise, she might projectile vomit all over you and your swanky tracksuit. Note to simulated self: find out exactly what it is in Bridgette's breastmilk that's causing Felicia to barf in azure blue. What is that? Antifreeze?
Felicia's teddy bear explains to Bridgette: "I admit it, it was me in those films. But I'm not ashamed. I was in college and I needed the money. Besides, I can honestly say that all of my nude scenes were tasteful."