Friday, February 03, 2006

my simulated reality tv life: episode nine

Despite being the most popular simulated reality series on the globe, My Simulated Reality TV Life was unceremoniously passed over for a Golden Globe last month. Initially, we had attributed this gross injustice to the "retarded tendencies" of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association but it has since been pointed out to us that the HFPA doesn't give out an award statue for "Best Simulated Reality Series." Nevertheless, we stand by our original statement - because we're principled that way!

In any event, it's all water under the bridge now because it's time for an all-new, Emmy-winning episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life. If you missed the last episode, click here for a rerun. If you're completely new to the series and don't have a clue what we're talking about, welcome back from space! (And feel free to click here to start at the very first episode ... you've got some catching up to do). Now, don't touch that remote, tonight's episode starts in two seconds.

The swingin' (haha, swingin', how clever is that?) life in suburbia: simulated Felix and Bridgette in a scene so gaggingly puke-errific it's almost fitting for an after-school special.

Episode Nine
Somehow, someway ... life for the simulated me has devolved into a kind of plain vanilla existence, lost somewhere in the midst of the banality that you know as suburbia. Long gone are the days of an aspiring career in medicine, unrestrained violence against frisky llamas, and trafficking booze at a fair-but-healthy markup to the neighbors. But what's scary about all this is that I seem to be ok with it. In fact, I seem to be better than ok with it: I think I'm actually enjoying it. Have the pressures of being a simulated husband and parent finally broken the simulated me to a point where there's nothing left except a boring suburbanite with a really great body?

Maybe so. But you can't deny that everything is in perfect balance these days. The house is neat and spotless. Baby Felicia is happy and curious, and growing like a weed. Bridgette and I are spending lots of time together and really seem to be enjoying each other's company. But most important of all, I still have a really great body. Truly, simulated life doesn't get any better than this, folks.

Playing peek-a-boo with the parents is something of a universal rite of passage for all babies, Felicia included. Personally, I've always wondered why more babies aren't completely terrified of adults who suddenly emerge from behind their hands with funny, twisted faces. What can I say? Although cute, babies can be kinda weird.

TRA-MAM-PO-LINE!! I mean, trampoline! Sometimes, it's not about all of the cool, expensive stuff you may never own but rather maximizing the fun out of the stuff you do have. Here, the simulated me and Bridgette are having a ball jumping up-and-down on the living room couch. Who knew Bridgette could do backflips?

More fun with Felicia's toys. Teddy bear to simulated Felix: "I'm not normally into that kind of thing but that female grizzly was so furry, I just couldn't help myself."

A wise man once said: "When you have everything, you have everything to lose." But this couldn't actually apply to the simulated me, could it? After all, I have such a great body! But then, one night after the baby's been tucked in, Bridgette corners the simulated me in the kitchen and, with a very serious face, utters those five words than one dreads to hear: "Honey, we need to talk." And as she delivers her shocking news, my jaw drops in utter disbelief ...

What bomb did Bridgette just drop on simulated Felix? You'll have to tune in to the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life to find out!

Bridgette delivers some shocking news. What could it be?


  1. I love how your wife wears NOTHING but little lingerie, or sports-bra-and-panties...


  2. I love cliff hanger to-be-continued episode endings!!!!!

    I can't wait to see the next show!

  3. Simulated Felix does have great body? If she considers leaving ... then she's a dough-head .... a dough-head that always wears nothing! Like is the thermostat turned up too high! And what about the bear? Is she going to leave him too ..... I'm mad! I need some oxygen ... fast! this is making me crazy!

  4. TSM, hey, quit looking at my wife like that!

    Rebecca, happy to hear you're enjoying the episodes, stay tuned!

    No Life, whoa, slow down, I think you're going a bit loopy.

  5. "Sim Felix, I've been messing around behind your back for a while now.... the guilt has taken me over, so I'll just say it... I've been playing topless poker with the girls every Wednesday...and, yes, that's where the bear learned some of his best moves...I'm sorry."

    Another excellent episode!

  6. Haha, -c! Those are some interesting images that your comment conjures up.