Sunday, January 15, 2006

my simulated reality tv life: episode eight

The most popular simulated reality series in prime time, My Simulated Reality TV Life is carrying the type of momentum that couldn't be stopped even by a lethal roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris himself. Miss the last episode? Click here for a rerun. New to the series? Click here to start at the very beginning. Now don't touch that remote, tonight's episode begins ... now!

Simulated Felix gives baby Felicia a bath in the washroom sink after discovering this is a more effective way to bathe the cute little newborn than hosing her off in the backyard.

Episode Eight
When one wants to learn how to swim, there are swimming lessons available. When one gets a new job, there's on-the-job training. Why, then, is there no formal course available for those who want to be good parents, which is maybe one of the most important jobs around?

Even though we're well-meaning and are head-over-heels in love with our newborn, the simulated me and Bridgette could have used a little more coaching in the parenting department. Let's face it: mistakes have been made. First, there was the unfortunate experiment of trying to be environmentally-conscious and not diapering baby Felicia, thereby letting nature run its course to extremely messy results. Then, there was the time we tried to bathe her by spraying her with the garden hose - yikes, she didn't like that. Oops!

Luckily, little Felicia is proving to be a resilient (and forgiving) baby, and Bridgette and I are starting to slowly get a hang of this whole parenting gig, as can be measured by the decreasing number of visits from the friendly, neighbourhood social worker. Although it's still early days and we definitely aren't out of the woods yet, Felicia may yet grow up normal and well-adjusted - in contrast to her parents!

Still perfecting her technique, Bridgette loses Felicia under a storm cloud of baby powder during a regrettable diaper change.

Fortunately, Bridgette's innate "zerberting" abilities provide reason for optimism.

One of the best things about being new parents is having the opportunity to play with your kid's fun selection of toys. In the above picture, Felicia's teddy bear appears to be having a heated discussion with Bridgette about this week's New York Times bestsellers list. "That Harry Potter is nothing but a dirty little whore!" argues the bear in emphatic fashion.

And oh yes, finally some news for simulated Felix to report on the job front ... I got a new (legitimate) job! In the army, being all I can be as a new recruit. Sure, it's going to be physically-demanding and the pay is piss-poor, but with a new mouth to feed and Bridgette on unpaid maternity leave, it's time for me to step up and be a simulated man. And besides, I get to carry a gun!

Will simulated Felix and Bridgette continue to improve as parents or will Felicia be forced to pin her own diapers? Will simulated Felix make it through basic army training without accidently blowing somebody up? Can Bridgette get herself back into shape so she can resume her once-promising semi-pro soccer career? Be sure you tune in to the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life to keep current on the continuing adventures of simulated Felix, Bridgette, and Felicia!

The simulated me, dressed in full military garb, preparing for another long day of target practice and push-ups. Let's hope the simulated government doesn't decide to ship me off to another continent to fight in a meaningless simulated war.


  1. One of my favorite episodes yet! What with the blurred baby butts, baby powder mushroom cloud, intellectual teddy bear, and the anticipation of seeing you all sported out in camouflage... why I'm just beside myself with anticipation! Great episode!

  2. Hi -c, happy to hear you enjoyed the episode. A note on the blurred baby butts ... well, we're a family program here, and don't want to run afoul of CRTC and FCC regulations.

    So for those of you readers out there that are only after hardcore nudity, sorry! You're just going to have to find it on a different website.

  3. The military, eh? Good luck with that ..... tsk, tsk .. the military. Why can't it just be a world of peace and bliss where everyone dances in a field of flowers?

  4. I wish there were pictures of the "hosing off"...

  5. WALKER: Texas Ranger25 January, 2006 19:30

    lilly mae said...
    "The military, eh? Good luck with that ..... tsk, tsk .. the military. Why can't it just be a world of peace and bliss where everyone dances in a field of flowers?"

    Because you can't go and fight someone with love and not expect to have your body blown to microscopic bits. And god damnit man! SiMulated Felix needs a job! He's got children now that he has no virtual idea of how to keep sanitized! IF anything, the military should set his ass in gear and turn him into a MAN. :)

  6. I agree with team shawn...Where's the "hosing off" pictures??? I didn't even know that, that was allowed! No wonder the CPS is showing up at your house!!!!!