The adventures of simulated Felix and pregnant Bridgette continue in tonight's all-new My Simulated Reality TV Life, the simulated reality show so wild and crazy we would be crazy to make this stuff up. Yep, crazy. Foggy about what happened in the last episode? Click here for a quick refresher. New to the series? Click here and start at the beginning. I hope your popcorn, hot franks and soda are ready to go, because tonight's episode starts in under three seconds.
"What were you thinking?" The simulated me gets a stern lecture and a $50 fine from policewoman Demi for selling liquor in front of my house without a license. $50! A little excessive, don't you think? I mean, come on ... only like, half of my customers were minors.
In retrospect, I guess I should've known that the big money I was making through the unlicensed sale of liquor on my front lawn was too good to be true. Damn laws! They always get in the way, even for victimless crimes. But there's no time to philosophize about the flagrant shortcomings of our legal system, because here come the cops. Think, simulated Felix, think! We're going to need a good story to get ourselves out of this one.
The police officer gets out of her cruiser and begins walking toward me. Apparently not being able to come up with a decent explanation, I expediently abandon my post behind my "lemonade" stand and run into the house. No way she'll look for me in there. Stupendous plan, simulated Felix!
But somehow, the brilliant plan fails when there's a firm knock at the door. I slowly answer with a nervous smile and the policewoman, with her arms crossed, does not look very happy. Ohhh, geez. As you might expect, the officer begins angrily lecturing me about my poor lack of judgment. You know, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. And blah.
As the conversation grows longer, I start to become concerned she's going to cart me off to prison. Hmmm, better pull out all of the stops. I put on my sad, puppy dog, "I'm sorry" face. The police officer abruptly stops yappin'. I cringe as she delivers the verdict of ...
A $50 fine. Phew! All things considered, I'd say I got off easy. As an added bonus, wife Bridgette, who's been napping during the entire incident, doesn't even wake up. What a relief! I would've really been in trouble then. Thankfully, no creature on God's green Earth weasels himself out of sticky situations better than the simulated me! (Well, with the exception of possibly the weasel).
Pregnant Bridgette and the simulated me spend a quiet evening at home playing chess. And no, the fact that we're playing chess DOES NOT imply that we're nerds.
Getting back to Bridgette, her tummy's starting to get pretty huge. I guess nine months in my simulated world goes by rather quickly, and it looks like the baby is going to be arriving very soon. Exciting stuff! But also nerve-wracking stuff. You can kind of tell Bridgette and I are getting a bit anxious in anticipation just by all the time we've spending with each other. But of course, this makes sense since we're very committed and definitely in this together. After all, it's uter-US, not uter-ME.
Then, one morning, Bridgette begins yelping like a wounded coyote. The time has come! I'll spare you details of the gory miracle and get straight to the part you've been waiting for. It's a ...
Girl! A beautiful baby girl. She's bald as a cueball and makes funny gurgling noises, but we love her anyway.
And for naming purposes, I'm very glad it's a girl. It means that I don't have to be one of those pompous, egomaniacal dads who names his son after himself, suffixed with a Jr. Felix, Jr. Ha! Could you imagine? Instead, I'm free to name my little girl whatever I want. So I come up with the only name that's suitable for her: Felicia. Yep, she's definitely a Felicia. It's a really nice name, don't you think?
A jubilant Bridgette feeds baby Felicia a bottle. No word on whether the bottle contains formula or milk that's been pumped from Bridgette's left boob.
Bridgette says good morning to Felicia. Haha, check out the confused look on simulated Felix's face. By the way, doesn't Bridgette's figure look amazing only two days after the birth of Felicia?
What adventures await for Bridgette and I beyond them thar hills of simulated parenthood? Remember to tune into the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life and find out!
Clink!! Toasting a new baby and a new year, simulated Felix and Bridgette celebrate with a glass of bubbly. Happy 2006 from simulated Felix, Bridgette, Felicia and the rest of the cast and crew of My Simulated Reality TV Life.