Friday, December 23, 2005

my simulated reality tv life: episode six

Four out of five mathematicians and three out of four lie-purveying statisticians agree: My Simulated Reality TV Life is the most popular simulated reality series of 2005. Miss the last episode? Quick, click here to get up to speed. Never had the privilege of tuning into North America's favourite simulated reality program until tonight? Don't delay, click here to start at the very beginning. Now put away your pocket calculator, operator ... an all-new episode is only seconds away.

Why go out for supper when you have The Chef at home? And by "The Chef," I mean Chef Boyardee, whose 99-cent canned pastas are beloved by everyone from pregnant ladies (like Bridgette) to their simulated flaky husbands (like simulated Felix).

Episode Six
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... or something like that. First, the good news: thanks to a romantic evening of grilled cheese sandwiches and malfunctioning simulated birth control, the simulated me and wife Bridgette are expecting our firstborn. Oh baby. Literally!

Next, the bad news: we're running out of money. I've been, umm, between jobs for awhile now, and it appears as if Bridgette's maternity leave from her semi-pro soccer team is of the zero-income variety. (Her team must be non-unionized). It's not that we need lots of money to be happy, but we do need money to eat ... and with Bridgette getting seemingly more preggo by the minute, things are starting to look pretty grim. My wife and unborn baby can't just subsist on canned spaghetti, you know.

So what to do? Think, simulated Felix, think! And then, just like that, a lightbulb turns on and a brilliant money-making scheme is hatched ...

Who needs a job when you have alcoholic neighbors like Jan, who will pay upwards of $10 for your cheap booze. Bottoms-up!

How about ... a lemonade stand! If pathetic-looking, loser kids can make some coin selling water-downed lemonade to unsuspecting passersby, why not (simulated) me? I can be twice as pathetic as any loser kid in the neighborhood. And moreover, my lemonade doesn't have to be lemonade at all but, rather, it can be booze from my liquor cabinet served at a fair markup, heehee. Ahhh alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. This is genius, I tells ya, pure genius!

With Bridgette taking a nap and no time to waste, Chez Simulated Felix is set up within seconds on my front lawn. And remarkably, it doesn't take long for my lush neighbors to take notice. A crowd gathers and they start ordering drinks. Cold beer? $5. Polar Bear Milkshake? $8.50. Star Martini? $10. Sure, it may only be 11 o'clock in the morning, but the drinks are flowing, the party's a-hoppin', and the cash is rolling in. Today, simulated Felix can do no wrong. Pure genius!

But just when I start to think that I'll never have to work another day in my life, some unexpected visitors drive up ... oh no, it's the cops! That's not good. What? You mean selling open liquor on a residential street without a license is illegal? Uh oh ...

Uh oh ... who called the police? Quick, bribe the cops with a drink!

What's going to happen to simulated Felix? Will he get a slap on the wrist or will he be thrown in jail? And who ratted him out? Was it the bastard in the llama suit? And what will the unsuspecting Bridgette think? Find out the answers to these questions and more on the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life!


  1. There's nothing like some cool, yummy, special lemonade on a hot, hot day. Cops like "drinks"

  2. She sure is preggo. Are you sure she's not having twins? Man, it'll be hard to support her and the quints from the slammer!