Sunday, December 11, 2005

my simulated reality tv life: episode five

The wait is almost over - you're only 30 seconds away from tonight's all-new episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life, the #1-rated simulated reality series on the planet! Did you miss the last episode? Click here for a rerun of last week's unbelievable cliffhanger. New to the series? Click here to start at the now-classic Episode One. You don't want to be left out.

Simulated Felix blacks out after Bridgette announces her pregnancy. Curse me and my potent, potent sperm!

Episode Five
Somehow, in the back of my simulated mind, I just knew Bridgette's recent penchant for morning toilet bowl hugging couldn't have been the mere result of a little food poisoning. Actually, it's pretty logical when you think about it ... I mean, is it even possible to get food poisoning from grilled cheese sandwiches made with processed cheddar? I don't think processed cheddar is even organic. Isn't that right, Kraft?

But if it isn't food poisoning, then it can only be one thing. Could there be a bun in the ... no! No!! I'm just not ready to come to grips with the gravity of that simulated reality. So, for now, I choose to live in denial. Ahh, denial. Happy, blissful, ignorant, denial. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the birds are singing. All's well and nobody's having any babies.

Yep, all's well. That is, until Bridgette cruelly causes my blissful world of denial to come crashing down on me by saying something to the effect of: "Hi Honey, I like your new sandals. Guess what? I'm pregnant!"

All of a sudden, the grass doesn't seem so green and the sky doesn't seem so blue. And the birds aren't singing - they're probably out trying to have sex with the bees or something. Curse me and my potent, potent, sperm!

After that, everything's a bit of a blur. I'd like to say that I take Bridgette's news in stride but that would be a lie. First, I black out. Then, apparently, I go into some kind of cardiac arrest. Poor simulated me!

Take notes, all of you soon-to-be dads out there ... now this is the proper way to rub your wife's belly. Just like waxing your car.

Happily, I feel much better after my quadruple bypass. And Bridgette, who's been an emotional rock through all of this, is sure glad to have me home. Now that I've come to my senses, I'm really starting warm to the idea of us having a baby ... it's quite fun rubbing Bridgette's belly and talking to the baby. Congratulate me, everbody - I'm going to become a simulated dad!

"Hi, Baby!" Cute, but apparently the simulated me is unaware that our unborn child is unable to see through the walls of Bridgette's uterus.

The excitement of impending parenthood for Bridgette and the simulated me is definitely in the air. But many questions lurk beyond the horizon. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will Bridgette and I be good parents? How are we going make ends meet now that we're going to have an extra mouth to feed? Stay tuned for the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life and find out!


  1. I'm quivering with anticipation!
    Haha! I love the Simulated You making baby faces and waving at the tummy!

  2. Let's see what simulated fatherhood does to that thick, black head of hair...

  3. Felix.

    If I could suggest an interesting plot twist.

    Are you sure that YOU are the simulated dad? Afterall, in a previous episode, you got into a scrap with that dude for hitting on Bridgette... Maybe she's being a ho and sleeping around on you!

    Think about lost your job and had zero prospects. And then rides in this White Knight (uh, no pun intended) and, you know, she has "needs" and stuff.


  4. Hi C, here at felix's daily starfish and waffles, we seek to have our readers quiver in anticipation and excitement, so I'm very pleased. Make sure to tune in to the next episode!

    Steve: will simulated Felix be gray, bald, or will there be no change in his simulated hair? Maybe we should start a pool.

    Dave: this is My Simulated Reality TV Life, not Simulated Days of Our Lives. Haha, but I haven't run the next simulation on my computer yet, so who knows what'll happen? If Bridgette pops out a llama-child, then we'll all know. Stay tuned!