Saturday, November 12, 2005

my simulated reality tv life: episode three

The water cooler chatter does not lie: My Simulated Reality TV Life has greater sex appeal than The O.C., more amazing moments than The Amazing Race, and definitely better hair than Donald Trump. Click here if you missed the last episode ... or here if you're new to the most talked-about simulated reality series anywhere and want to start at the very beginning.

The simulated me is a lucky man to have Bridgette.

Episode Three
Wow. I'm in complete shock. I can't believe they fired me for accidently driving my ambulance over an old lady. I mean, what was the big deal? I had to respond to a dire emergency and the lady I ran over was really old and decrepit. Let's just say for a minute I hadn't run her over. Left to her own devices, she probably would have died a slow, painful death, anyway. And who wants that? Exactly. Nobody.

So you could say that I, by driving over her repeatedly in my ambulance, was actually doing her a kind favor. In fact, since my kind favor single-handedly helped the old lady both get (1) closer to God and (2) into heaven in a fast and efficient manner, one might even consider what I did to be quite heroic. By extension, that would make me a hero. And since my employer had the gall to fire me - a hero who helped an old lady get closer to God - that clearly makes me a victim of religious persecution or, in other words, a martyr. And we all know that all martyrs are saints. Therefore, I stand humbly before you as the veritable St. (simulated) Felix. Yeah, that sounds about right: St. Felix. I wonder if Bridgette will understand if I explain it to her that way? She wouldn't leave a saint, would she?

It's late at night when I finally walk into my house, and Bridgette's already asleep. She looks so calm and peaceful ... all curled up as if she doesn't have a care in the world. The courteous thing for the simulated me to do would be to let Bridgette sleep and leave it until morning before breaking the bad news. But apparently the cross I'm bearing is simply too burdensome to wait and I immediately wake Bridgette up after shaking her (in rather disturbingly violent fashion) for a few seconds.

Bridgette looks a little dazed but the simulated me holds nothing back and out pours a rapid succession of speech balloons. Whoa, let me tell you, the simulated me can talk incredibly fast when he's stressed. I finish what I have to say and wait for the moment of truth ... how will Bridgette react? Did she marry me for the sexy, charming me or only for my awesome earnings potential as a future doctor?

Bridgette gets out of bed ... and without saying anything, simply gives me a big hug. What a relief! Right away, I feel so much better ... everything is going to be ok. This Bridgette is turning out to be a really great girl, and it's becoming apparent that the simulated me is very lucky to have her.

Simulated Felix lands a beautiful forehand to the cheekbone. Note the stars ... the fact there are two of them means there's double the pain!

However, it appears that I'm not the only guy who has noticed how great Bridgette is. The next day, the weird llama mascot of Bridgette's soccer team follows her home after practice and, right in front of me, starts flirting with her! In my house! Right in front of me! Flirting! This stupid loser is obviously choosing not to acknowledge that I'm the husband of hot Bridgette ... and I'm not impressed. Unemployed, a bit insecure, and definitely not happy, I do what any man would do in that situation - I slap the bitch! Take that, llama!!

Fight! Simulated me scores again with an awesome right hook. But I'm not really sure where the cloud of dust came from, considering the maid was in earlier in the day and did a bang-up job cleaning our place.

A good, old-fashioned fistfight breaks out but I don't have to tell you who's the one that's administering the whoop ass. After all, as you can tell from the pictures - I am 100%, all man. Before long, I have that wussy llama running out of my house crying. Score one for St. Felix!

You know what? Come to think of it, I kind of like hanging around this llama mascot crowd. Makes me feel kind of tough.

Yeah, let that be a lesson to all you other ... llamas.

Will the next episode of My Simulated Reality TV Life contain as much unrestrained, no-holds barred action and violence as tonight's episode? Make sure you tune in again next time to find out!


  1. Exceptional .... absolutely sensational! If this doesn't hit the Thursday night line-ups, I don't know what will! Boy, what a big baby that llama turned out to be ... puts other llamas to shame really.

  2. show that llama what's up. Plus, i dig your disco-dot background. In a word: solid.

  3. By far my favorite episode yet!
    Thanks for the laugh at work!!
    Good luck at your new job :)